Can't Sleep

Breaking the camels back!!!

To forewarn you, this blog is nothing fun nor friendly to read, it is full of sad time for me and its kind of my vent right now! Sad to say, but it is really hard to talk over the phone during this time when I could be setting with family right now.

Last Friday I got a call about Grandma, they found cancer that had spread inside of her, that's allot for someone in her condition, that is the reason they can not control her blood sugar levels.
We have had spouts of diabetic coma before, I do thank God that every time we ran into the problem that we was able to revive her. Tonight Shell called me and woke me up, so when she told me stuff it didn't really hit me, in the next few minutes I woke up and digested what she had told me... once it registered the emotions flowed!
All I know is that grandma is in coma right now, the family opted to let her go this time, this is a hard decision but I know its the best for her. It is time for her to go be with her family and Grandpa, she missed him so much. I just think how happy they will all be to reunite on the other side of the veil when they meet up again.
For me, this brings up lots of different emotions that I have had to deal with and try to put away during my time of caring for her, it really brings allot of things up that I wish would not come to mind, but yet, I feel as though there are things I feel so guilty about, one is something I think about allot. Was it the right choice to come out to Hawaii again??? Why I ask this is because 5 years ago when I stepped down and walked away from promotions in Utah to move back home, I had no real reason why I had done that. I now know why! But at that time I just couldn't answer why, when people would ask me about it. I know the reason being is that it gave me time with Grandpa, we would go visit Grandma and Grandpa everyday! So many cool things we did and learned about them that we never knew before. We would help them with little things, and they loved company from the grandkids so much!!! I am so thankful for that time! I still to this day remember so vividly so many things and the happiness on their faces when we would do things with them. That last time I seen grandpa he was laying in the hospital bed after getting very sick, all the family was there to visit him, and when we were leaving I remember telling him to get better and hurry up on it because we needed to take the horses up in the hills for a ride, but my 2 little cousins gave him hugs before leaving and for some reason that stuck out in my mind so much.... I actually regret not doing the same thing. The next time I seen him was after he had got home and passed away, I actually was the first one over there and fixed his body so it was not so crooked on the bed. I just wish I could of said goodbye to him, I know he knows my feelings and all, but I still have so much guilt from not giving him a hug,

Grandma really needed someone to just be there with her, she did not admit that but we all knew she hated to be alone and liked people to just be in the house, even if it was watching TV while she did her house work, it brought her so much joy. So we kind of just ended up living there to help her take care of the place, give her company, and just be there for anything. As time went on, we had to do allot of care giving for her, in the four years we lived with Grandma we had to deal with allot of stress and things we did not quite understand. Mainly the mental diseases she had, it was so strange because it was slowly coming on and the things we dealt with were so small and subtle. At times I did regret dealing with it, but I would always feel guilty for thinking that. Shell and I would talk when down and say things we didn't mean just out of frustration, yet we now can look back and see so much we could of done differently, as a matter of fact I feel very guilty for avoiding Grandma at times just because I could not deal with the things that were going on. It was not the Grandma I knew, it was someone else do to dementia, yet we did not know that, we could not understand why she would change so often, mentally.
It is a like caring for a child, they can be annoying if your around them and you need that break from them, yet if you leave they are helpless to a point. Sure they can find something to feed themselves, use the bathroom. But you know that you just cant let them be alone for too long. After 4 years of taking care of her, I have really weird emotions going on, this is a person that had taken so much time and effort, did ANYTHING possible to care for us, her grandkids, they would sacrifice so much for us, I some what feel good that I sacrificed 4 years of my life to help her, but now when I do look back I feel so much guilt because I think I could of done more, I did not put my whole hearted effort into it because I got caught up in my own selfishness. Why couldn't I do more then what I did? I know I cant sop her illnesses, but I know I could of been more understanding.. I just cant type it in words what I'm meaning.
This entire situation makes it hard to be this far away and not be able to say goodbye, give her one last hug, or just be there with her. I did go see her before I flew out, but she was asleep, I did talk to her for a minute, of course she did not respond, me and mom put some pictures in her room to make it feel more homey earlier that day. But its good to know that others say when they went to see her she was happy and very talkative. I do miss her company, it makes it hard because I grew so accustom to caring for someone and always looking after so many aspects of their lives, before going to bed checking on her every night, even assisting her in the middle of the night when she just couldn't help herself. When I think back on the last few months she was home, we were very blessed that the slightest noises woke us up to go help her out. One night I had the TV on and I fell asleep on the floor, but I awoke for some reason, then I got up to use the bathroom and just had the feeling to go check on her, I don't understand how it happened but that was the night she was in coma and we couldn't get her awake, it took EMS a long time to get her sugar back up. So this is the same thing that we are doing now, except they are going to let her go naturally, I heard that the last time they checked her vitals earlier yesterday, her blood was at 11. That is lethal number, you should always be 100 and up.
It makes me feel good to know that in that state she is in, she is not feeling pain, I honestly believe when God plans on use crossing over, that he takes it all way, so in my mind she is in a pain free state, which she may be spiritually already crossed over and her body is still functioning. God works in mysterious ways, I don't ever doubt those things, my sadness really comes from knowing I wont see her for a very long time, and its a build up of emotions with all the things that has gone on, guilt of not doing what I think I should had to show Grandma and Grandpa how much I loved them.

Just the saying goodbye for the last time is so hard to know that I could of just done that but I did not. I am not a hugger, I am not a person who likes to touch, but I really regret not giving just one last hug to those people that I hold so close to me. I know people think its just grandparents, but to me these were people who were another set of parents!

As I reread this, I guess this is my way of starting the mourning process, Grandma is not passed away, but I know I will get a call soon, and it is very sad to know that I will not be in the solace of my family, I really wish I was with them now, it is a comforting feeling to be able to be there with everyone to comfort each other, even a few shoulders to cry on, shoot, you don't feel so weird balling when everyone else is doing it. :) I know we all know that it will be happy day when she goes over and is met by her siblings and Grandpa.

This blog gives my emotions not justice, there is not way I could ever really put how it all works for me, I have had such a complex past few years, very few people really know the trials I have had to deal with and how I felt and feel now. So don't think this is everything, there is much explanation that would have to go on for you to really understand this blog. I know it seems confusing and just out of whack, that's because it is.
I guess I call someone to talk to, I really hate this, being alone out here and having no one to go talk to, the time difference makes it really hard too. It's 2:00am now, I got the call at 11pm, I am tired but can not sleep, I don't want to miss the call and chance to talk with family.